4 Things That Will Destroy Your Relationship and How To Stop Them
by Yvonne Judge, MFTT


Relationship researchers have known for years that there is a difference between happy couples and unhappy couples. Researcher John Gottman of the University of Washington has spent over 40 years studying couples in his Love Lab. Over time, Gottman found that he could reliably predict which couples were likely to divorce with over 90% accuracy. One of these major predictors of divorce were what Gottman came to call the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse for relationships.

What are the 4 horsemen? All couples fight, but not all couples fight using the 4 horsemen. Gottman’s 4 horsemen of the apocalypse are dysfunctional ways of interacting with a partner. These interaction patterns are both disrespectful and painful. They never solve problems, but instead serve only to escalate arguments and hard feelings. The 4 horsemen are criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling.

Criticism
Criticism is the first of the four horsemen because it is often the first to appear in a relationship. It is often easy to allow yourself to slide from loving feedback or making a complaint to being critical of your partner. In criticism, you describe what your partner does in negative terms. You can usually tell criticism by its black-and-white statements such as “always” and “never”.

For an example of contempt, let’s take a look at Chris and Terry.  Chris and Terry are opposites when it comes to housework. Chris is very organized and likes to get things done so she can rest after. Terry tends to put housework off as he feels it will just get messy again anyway. Their current favorite argument is over the dishes. Chris prefers to do the dishes right after each meal, often doing them by hand instead of using the dishwasher. Terry, alternately, prefers to relax after dinner, and only does the dishes when the dishwasher is full. This seems like a pretty common complaint. The problem comes when Chris voices her displeasure to Terry saying, “You never clean up after yourself. I always have to do the dishes.” 

While it’s unlikely that this is an always/never situation, it feels like it to Chris. With voicing this statement, the battle lines are drawn. The problem with criticism, is it never gets us what we want. Instead it escalates the situation and often leads to our partner getting defensive.
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Defensiveness
When you feel attacked, defensiveness is a natural human trait. In the above scenario, Terry feels attacked due to Chris’ criticism. Terry is very likely to react by defending himself. In this case, Terry responds with, “What do you mean I never do the dishes? You never give me a chance!” This defensive response makes Terry feel a bit better, but it only serves to escalate the conversation. Now Chris feels like her complaint was not heard and the argument will continue. Defensiveness and criticism can become a never-ending spiral that makes simple conversations veer out of control.

Defensiveness is not only a response to a verbal attack such as criticism or contempt. At times, a person can feel attacked when no attack was intended. In this case, the defensiveness can be the behavior that starts the fight. Imagine innocently saying that the dishes need done, and assuming that you are going to be the one to do them. All of a sudden, your partner says, “well I’m not doing them, I did them last night.” Now your feelings are hurt, and it’s tempting to want to respond to the harsh words with more harsh words.

Contempt
Contempt is like criticism on steroids. In this case, instead of making all or nothing statements about your partner, you are talking about your partner’s nature in a negative light. The most insidious thing about contempt is that it allows you to look down on your partner and feel superior to them. What if Chris responded to Terry’s last statement with, “of course I get to them before you do. You’re so lazy that if I don’t, they will sit there for days.” This is contempt. She’s now moved from talking negatively about what he does, to talking negatively about what he is.

This is a very obvious example of contempt, but contempt can be more subtle. It can be expressed in body language such as eye rolling or sneers. Anything that allows you to feel, and makes your partner feel less than is contempt.

Stonewalling
Stonewalling is most often referred to as the cold shoulder. This is when one partner disengages and leaves the argument through silence or physically leaving the room. It can take many forms. It can be the well-known “talk to the hand”, the silent treatment, or a slammed door. It can also be the person deciding to pay attention to their phone or the television instead of the discussion at hand. In the conversation above, after hearing he’s lazy, Terry feels that there is nothing to be gained by continuing the conversation. He walks out of the dining room and turns on the television to watch the news. The conversation is over, but the hurt feelings persist. They will still be there the rest of the evening and will come back up every time the dishes need to be done.

How do we counteract the 4 horsemen?
This fight looks like hundreds we have seen on television, in the movies and even in our own homes. However, it does not have to go this way. There are ways to de-escalate so that this discussion does not turn into a fight. Whenever one of the 4 horsemen come on the scene, you want to use their antidotes. These antidotes de-escalate the situation and allow for actual discussion instead of argument.

Gentle startup – The antidote to criticism
Usually, the first words of a discussion set the tone for the rest of the interaction. They can determine if it will be a calm session of problem solving, or a shouting match with slamming doors.

A gentle startup is actually pretty simple to do, so long as we start with it in mind. The first thing to remember is to not blame your partner while stating your complaint. You can describe the situation but do so without being judgmental. One of the easiest ways of doing this is to use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. In the scenario above, Chris could have used a soft startup by saying, “I would like to talk about doing the dishes. This seems to be something we conflict on pretty often. I like to have them done very quickly after a meal so that the food doesn’t dry on them. I’ve noticed that you like to do them only when the dishwasher is full. I would like them to be done sooner and I would like to take turns doing them. What are your thoughts?”

This adequately states the complaint without blaming or judging her partner. He knows what she wants and what her stance is. He can now respond to the want and not to any underlying hostility.

Taking responsibility – The antidote to defensiveness
The solution to being defensive sounds very counterproductive, but it works. To not be defensive, take responsibility. This doesn’t mean that you have to agree with your partner on everything. You can take responsibility for any part of the conflict. It does not need to be all of it.

Instead of becoming defensive to Chris’ complaint above. Terry could instead say, “You’re right. We both have different ideas of when the dishes should be done. I guess I should have talked to you about it instead of just assuming my way was the right way.” It’s really that simple. Notice that he did not concede his point as to when the dishes should be done, or say he was going to do things her way. Instead, he took responsibility for the ongoing conflict between them.

Describe your own feelings and needs – The antidote to contempt
The antidote to contempt is to describe your own feelings and needs, and how what type of person you think your partner is.
When we describe our own feelings and needs in a situation, we begin to realize what those feelings and needs actually are. We also start to realize that just because our partner is different doesn’t mean they are “bad” or “less than” us.

For instance, in the conflict above, Chris can state her feelings and needs around the topic at hand. She could say, “When the dishes are not done every day and you wait until there is a full load, I start to worry that I will run out of them before a meal. Thinking about having to do dishes before cooking a meal makes me feel tense and nervous. I also do not have time to wash dishes before making breakfast in the morning, so that makes me stressed. I need the dishes to be done before I cook so that I’m not stressed out in the morning or late to work.”

In this case, Chris helped her partner to understand why she is so upset about the issue. She helped him to see into her world. In this case, her talking about her needs also suggests a compromise. Maybe, instead of doing the dishes right after the meal, Terry can make sure they’re loaded into the dishwasher and run before bed. Then he gets his time to decompress and she gets her clean dishes before making breakfast. They both win.

Self-soothing – The antidote to stonewalling
When someone stonewalls us it is incredibly painful. It can seem as if they do not feel like we are worth talking to. In reality, that is not what is going on at all. The majority of the time someone disengages from a conversation it is because they are overwhelmed. Being overwhelmed, they may not be able to think, or may be experiencing fight or flight. Some people even start to have anxiety or panic.

The good news is, that this feeling of being overwhelmed is in our control. With a little practice, it can be overcome. The way we overcome this feeling is by learning to self-soothe.

In the moment, when the conversation starts to get tense, that is the time to do some self-soothing exercises. One of these is deep breathing. Focusing on your breath and slowing it down helps to relax you. Much of the time, when we start to get stressed we start to take very quick, shallow breaths. Deep breathing helps to counter this and calm down.
Another way to self-soothe is to tense and relax your muscles. This allows the physical tension to dissipate and helps you to feel calmer.

At times, you may be so tense that you need to take a break from the conversation to calm down. This is fine, but you need to tell your partner what is going on and not just stop talking. Let your partner know that you need 20-30 min to calm yourself and that you can continue the discussion then. You will get the chance to self-soothe and they will have the confidence that the conversation will continue after the break.

While these are not the only things that can cause a couple to argue, they are very common. They  also raise the likelihood that the relationship will end. Practice using the antidotes to the 4 horsemen will improve your communication with your partner. The improved communication will improve your relationship.

ReferencesGottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2017). Level 1 clinical training Gottman Method couples therapy: bridging the couple chasm. Seattle, WA: Gottman Institute.



Managing Stress During The Holidays
by Andriel Ugbomeh, LSW.
The holidays can be a time of increased stress or anxiety for many people and for different reasons. Sometimes family get-together causes more frustration than joy because of family history of dysfunction and toxic relationships. The holidays can also be particularly difficult after losing a loved one. When one is grieving, the holidays are suddenly not associated with happiness. Stress and anxiety during the holidays can also be heightened for the following reasons:

  • Loss of a loved one.
  • Family dysfunction or challenges.
  • Endless to do list.
  • Loneliness.
  • Lack of support system.
  • Separation and divorce
  • High expectations of family and friends.
  • Financial stress.

Experiencing some levels of stress during the holidays is very normal. However, it is essential that you manage your stress level for optimal physical and mental health because unmanaged stress is not a victimless condition. The following are potential consequences of unmanaged stress:

  • Increased sadness.
  • Lack of motivation.
  • Lack of sleep.
  • Oversleeping.
  • Increased anxiety.
  • Mood instability.
  • Unable to feel happiness.

If you are struggling this holiday season, you’re not alone, here are helpful ways to cope and manage your stress, regulate your mood and improve your mental health.  
  • You can also try yoga (there are lots of free YouTube videos offering free resources that can be utilized at home) and journaling etc. I encourage journals with prompts. They generally tend to be more engaging. Journaling is a way to process our emotions in writing and it is a very affordable and effective stress management tool. 
 
  • If you have lost a loved one, remember them by engaging in activities that they enjoyed during the holiday season. You can also set out a plate, have an empty chair or light a candle in their memory.
 
  • If you have lost a loved one or going through a separation or divorce, understand that this may always be a hard time of year. Find acceptance in the challenges of this time of the year and increase self-care/ coping skills.
 
  • Set realistic expectations for self, regarding holiday gifts, festivities, and activities.  You do not have to do it all. Keep an eye on your energy level. Self-care means that you are aware of your body and in tune with what it needs. Caring for your body means that you are listening to it when it says that it is tired, so avoid over-committing yourself out of a sense of duty and guilt this season.
 
  • Set boundaries with family members regarding subjects that are off limit. You do not need to be right with someone that already came to the conversation with the idea that you are wrong and they are always right. Sometimes, you can choose not to explain yourself.
 
  • Plan ahead for errands and items on to do list. Be realistic in what you can get done in a few days/few hours. Set lower expectations about what you want to accomplish . Allow the over-achiever in you an opportunity to shine by setting your standards low and surpassing it.
 
  • If family causes too much stress, find other methods to celebrate the holidays (with a friend or co-worker). If you cannot excuse yourself from the holidays with family, limit your time with them to a few hours or a day.
 
  • Utilize therapy as extra support, guidance, and healing (if needed).
 
  • Make a budget for gifts, dinners, and travel etc. Money can be a source of guilt and shame for many people during this time of year. Remember that you don't need money to create good memories. Great memories are not only created with gifts,  wonderful memories can be created with experiences like baking cookies together, watching movies in pajamas and eating popcorn, running and watching re-runs of your favorite holiday movies. Focus on traditions that are about engaging each other in fun activities, rather than on buying extravagant gifts. 

Written by: Andriel Ugbomeh, LSW.  Andriel is a Licensed Social Worker through the Ohio Counselor, Marriage and Family Therapist and Social Work Board. She is a therapist at Focus Counseling, a private counseling practice in Grandview Heights where she enjoys working with people struggling with depression, anxiety and life transitions issues.