Growing up, I was notorious for holding grudges. I did not just keep malice, I bragged about it. I could choose to keep malice for years and talk about how tough I was as though I deserved medals for my skills. I did not know until I was an adult that I was harming myself and sabotaging my relationships.
When my husband and I were engaged, I lived in England and he lived in the US. We got into a big argument over the phone one day and I gave him a litany of all his actions that I found hurtful, despite the fact that he had apologized for them in the past. For the first time in my adult life, he called me out on my behavior. He told me that I did not know how to forgive and that I hold on to everything. My ego was bruised and I was so livid that I called off the engagement. To salvage the relationship, he bought an emergency plane ticket to the UK to talk to me face to face.
Fast forward 13 years, forgiveness has not been any easier for me as time has passed. I continue to struggle with this topic and the closer the person that hurt me is and the deeper my love is for the person that hurt me, the harder it is for me to forgive. My experience with un-forgiveness is that it is a heavy burden. I physically feel the weight on me. It is a shackle, I physically feel its pull on me. It is a dark cloud, it impacts everything I do and touch.
My greatest regret is that I did not learn how to forgive early and quickly. My greatest regret is that I started learning to forgive as an adult when it is so much harder. My greatest regret is that forgiveness for me does not come naturally.
If un-forgiveness makes us sick and keeps us sick, why is it so hard to do? It is difficult because it takes WORK and PRACTICE! I want to invite you on a forgiveness journey, so that you can be free, at peace and whole. If you are hurting, know that healing cannot occur without forgiveness. Sign up for my online 5 week INTENSIVE Forgiveness Group today https://www.eventbrite.com/e/forgiveness-healing-rehab-group-tickets-19405507395 or you can contact me at http://www.focuscounselingclinic.com/services.html for an individual counseling session.
Now that I am a parent, I want to give my kids this gift of forgiveness and since I can't give what I don’t have, I am constantly being challenged to make forgiveness a practice and choice. Truthfully, it isn’t easy, but it gets easier every day.
Jummy Olawale, MA.LPCC.LICDC.
CEO, Focus Counseling Clinic
Another 5K in the books!
Running is my new love. When I run, I feel free, light and strong. I ran my first 10K last month and decided to start training for a half marathon. I plan to run my first half marathon in spring of 2016 and I have scheduled fall races to keep me accountable. I ran a 5K this past weekend to raise money for the Mid-Ohio Food Bank. This was one of the most memorable run for me because I ran it with a friend. I have been a solo runner since I took up running in June and I am usually left to my thoughts, music or some podcast to keep me company during my run. With my friend by my side, I didn't need any head phones, I was fully present with the process that I could fully take in the cheering water break volunteers. The greatest part of that run was crossing that finish line with my friend by dancing…Yes! I danced as I crossed the finish line. Why you ask? Well because sometimes, you’re so filled with joy that nothing else in the world matters :-) What fun-happenings are you doing lately?
Save The Date! INTENSIVE 5week Online Forgiveness Group – $50 off
Un-forgiveness can make you sick and keep you sick. In October, I was invited to speak at a Women’s Conference on the topic of forgiveness and the response was phenomenal. I am starting an online forgiveness group in 2016. So, you don’t have to leave your home, and you can be in your pajamas! It will be a 5 week session with homework and materials. This group is for you if you are struggling with forgiveness and DESIRE to heal and move forward. If you know of someone that could benefit from this group, I suggest that you let them know and sign them up. You don’t have to be in Ohio to be in the group. Space will be limited as I am only accepting 12 people per class, so that it can be effective. Plan to register early to take advantage of the early bird DISCOUNT. It is $50 per session, so total cost is $250. If you register before 11/30, you get $50 OFF. To save your spot and for more information, click on this linkhttps://www.eventbrite.com/e/forgiveness-healing-rehab-group-tickets-19405507395
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The day started early for a Saturday morning as my wife, Jummy woke up around 6 O’ Clock to begin preparation for the longest race of her life. It was just the beginning of fall, yet the central heat in the house was blowing full blast, the air outside was wet and damp with the coldness of fall. The leaves on the trees glowed reddish yellow and have started dropping and floating around like homeless colorful butterflies. The temperature this Saturday morning was in the 40’s, a cold day to be outside. Yet, it was on this day that my wife had registered to run her first 10K (6.2miles) race.
You might be wondering what was the big deal about this race, isn’t it just an ordinary race that some people run daily? In deed it was an ordinary race, what made it extraordinary was the story of the journey it took to get there.
After we got married over a decade ago, I tried to get Jummy to exercise like me. I have been an active and fit person all my life. So, I didn’t think it was a big deal if my wife joined my fitness regimen of running, lifting weights and participating in sports. I thought all I had to do was get her to go with me to the gym, see me use the machines or run the track and she’ll be inspired. Alas! I was dead wrong and was met with vociferous resistance and trailer loads of excuses. In fairness, we went to the gym together a number of times, but after each episode, she would complain about the pain and how much she hates running and how she was not a natural athlete and not naturally inclined to run. “Running puts too much impact on my knees, I can’t do it. It’s too painful. I’ll rather spend all day on the elliptical,” she’d say.
Over the years, we continued to have the same conversation as she also battled the resultant bulges of two pregnancies and deliveries. “I am not you, running is not my thing. My knees cannot stand it,” she’d say after I pushed. “Moreover, I’m not like you. I hate exercising, it doesn’t give me a high, like it does you.”
Although, she’ll go to the gym occasionally to use the elliptical and stationary bikes. But there was no consistency and no result either.
Then about a year ago in 2014, Jummy decided without prompting to join me in my early morning weight training. We started training five days a week, focusing on different body parts daily. She started gaining strength and strangely enjoying exercising. After about six months, we decided it is better she got a personal trainer who can force her and push her harder because sometimes, she’d refuse to do an extra set or tell me she’s not capable of lifting or doing certain exercises. “You are so mean and you like to torture me with these weights,” “No, I can’t do that, I can never do that, you need to understand me and my capabilities,” she’d say indignantly.
She started training with her personal trainer in May 2015 from 5.30am to 6.30am three times a week. She got even stronger, became freshly motivated and was pushed to do the exercise routines she had believed her body incapable of handling. Then, she decided to incorporate running into her regimen to help with the weight loss and fitness. So she started training for her first 5K race (3.1mile) in June 2015. Mind you, this is someone who had long ago decided that her body was never built to run, who associated running with pain and believed that it was something meant for people with innate athletic abilities.
The beginning was rough as she experienced the associated pain in her knees, shins and calves, but this time around, she didn’t give up. She’d wake up early in the morning to run at least two miles within the first few weeks. She’d huff, puff, scrunch her face, feel the pain, yet she did not stop. She also did not complain about the pain. She stopped focusing on the pain, on the hardships and the obstacles. Then, the pain disappeared, her heart got stronger, her pace improved and her confidence soared. By July, she ran her first 5K and ran a couple of other 5k races within the same month and the following months.
After conquering and mastering the 5K, she decided to run a 10K (6.2 miles). So, she applied the same techniques she used to get her body and mind into believing she could run that too and started training for it. So by this cold Saturday in October, two months after she decided to run a 10K, she was ready to officially complete the longest race she had ever ran, but the weather was not promising.
In spite of the cold weather, she bundled up, joined hundreds of other runners and completed the race breaking her personal record.
There are notable lessons from this experience. First, no one can force us into our destiny unless we are willing and ready to make the commitment. I tried for many years to cajole my wife into exercising and running, yet I did not succeed. I didn’t succeed because it wasn’t organic. When she was ready, the determination came from within her and hence the commitment. So, your situation might have to do with a job, career, marriage, relationship or studies and you are trying to get that person you love to do things the “proper” way at the “proper” time; while you can encourage them, the decision to make changes have to be organic and come from them. You can’t nag a person into their destiny. The decision to move forward and succeed is personal and can only be made by the person who desires the result.
Second, it is easy to make excuses and give reasons why we believe we cannot do or accomplish something. It is self-consoling when we focus on the potential obstacles that can stop us from moving forward. But when we do that we create a mental block which also engenders physical inability. When we believe that we’re incapable of accomplishing a goal, it is highly likely than not that we will never accomplish that goal. If you believe you can never earn a college degree, that belief would stop you from enrolling and if you are forced to enroll, you’d likely not graduate because of that belief.
Until we change our mindset from “I cannot” to “I can” and decide to at least make an attempt on the goal, there’ll not be any forward movement and success would remain elusive. My wife believed for a long time that she could never run and that running was pain, so she was never able to run without pain. You attract what you desire and life rewards according to the measure of our bargains; when we view it with positive expectations, the universe conspires to actualize the positives. So the moment she changed her belief and stopped focusing on the perceived impediments, which was pain in this case, everything changed and she started seeing results. When she decided to overcome the mental block, which was causing her physical pain, she overcame both the mental obstacle as well as the physical hindrance.
Third, the journey to success is not promised to be pain-free. Just because we decide to make changes, determine in our hearts to succeed does not mean that the journey would be trouble-free or not be laden with the possibility of failure. We are going to experience pain and possible failures along the way. We might experience oppositions and resistance from other people, even crisis from within ourselves, be inundated with self-doubt. However, with perseverance we can overcome the attending pain, failures and self-doubt. When my wife started running and training for her first race, it was laden with pain and sometimes, she was so slow that even neighborhood snails bragged about their speed compared to hers. Yet, she did not focus on the pain or the slow days, she persevered and eventually overcame both the physical pain, self-doubt and the slow transmission of oxygen. She also stopped complaining about the pain, as such she eliminated its negative effect on her. When we complain and focus on our weaknesses, we magnify them beyond their significance and allow them to dominate us. On the road to success, there definitely will be obstacles, enemies and hindrances, especially when you are close to victory, but don’t focus on the naysayers, the weaknesses or obstacles, reduce them to insignificance and persevere until you achieve your goal.
Fourth, process leads to production. To produce in life, there are certain process that must be followed. If you desire to compete at the Olympics, you must train like an Olympian for three or more years before the actual games. A 100meter run at the Olympics took three or more years of training for the ten seconds run. When my wife decided to participate in the races, she just did not wake up one day to join the other hundreds of folks to run 5K or 10K, she trained for the races. If she had tried to race without adequate training, she might end up with injuries and frustration. The training conditioned her body, her heart, her spirit to participate and complete the race. Sometimes, when process and procedures are ignored, calamitous failure can result which may forever impede future attempts. The same applies when we set a goal, we need to prepare and follow the steps and process. There is no short cut to success, so we must be prepared to achieve it, handle it and maintain it. The preparation may involve studying, reading books, trainings, seeking professional counsels or mentors- we have to acquire the knowledge, skills and qualifications necessary to prepare us in achieving that dream.
Fifth, we have to be consistent in the preparation for and pursuit of our goal. Consistency breeds competency. When Jummy was going to the gym haphazardly, she saw little or no result. But when she consistently committed herself to the training, she experienced marked improvement, built strength, endurance and became conditioned. Once we set a goal, we must be consistent in our preparation towards its achievement, the more we practice a skill, the more proficient we become. Consistency is the mother of competency and proficiency. An experienced attorney or surgeon only become experienced based on consistent application and modification of their skills to solve their clients’ or patients’ problems. Lack of consistency to the process of preparation leads to mediocrity and failure.
Sixth, don’t give up on your dream and don’t give up on yourself. You can always do better than your last success. Having the drive for more or to do better does not equate to ingratitude. It only means that you are not complacent, when we stop growing, we start dying. Although, the first goal for my wife was to get herself to exercise, then she moved on to running, then she is now pushing to run longer distances. Our race in life ought to follow this same example, aim higher, desire more and put in the work to achieve the goals.
Seventh, don’t wait until the “perfect” moment. The moment does not have to be perfect for you to start that new business, relationship or project. When we procrastinate and wait for the “perfect” moment, the moment often never comes. On the day of the 10K, most of the participants around my wife complained about the terrible weather. My wife could have given up in the morning when the temperature forecast wasn’t gracious, yet she was determined to complete the longest race of her life regardless. In our journey of life, waiting for the perfect moment to embark on a journey of success often leads to failure to launch. Your goal may not wait for you and may not be available at your “perfect moment.” Everything may not be in alignment before we embark on our goals, when we start, everything else would fall in place, then the moment of our decision to start becomes the perfect moment.
Here are the seven steps in a nutshell:
About the Author: Emmanuel Olawale is an attorney and the author of the book "The Flavor of Favor: Quest for The American Dream."